The Guilt Track
Guilt can motivate us, unmotivate us, it can make us feel bad about ourselves, or make us angry. However it makes us feel, guilt pushes our buttons.
A stack of dishes in the sink, a To Do List that never seems to get shorter, the phone call that we don’t want to make or the email we don’t want to answer. Eventually we will feel guilty enough to take action: wash the car, go grocery shopping, call that person we need to talk to but who always pulls us down. We get done what needs doing and guilt helps us to break through procrastination. Guilt can also be a slave driver, or a harsh voice that constantly nags at us, never lets us rest.
A couple of days ago I bumped into a friend and we were talking about those unexpected quiet times, nobody around, no emails, no texts, phone calls, just peace and quiet. We talked of sitting with a cup of coffee, enjoying the sun streaming through the window on a cold winter morning. Relaxing and looking at the beautiful but cold scenery, snug and warm in our homes. ‘But I feel so guilty’, she said. ‘I should be doing something, vacuuming, organizing, laundry.’ That voice in her head never lets up, never lets her relax and truly enjoy those rare moments of peace. She can’t enjoy the beauty of sitting in a sunbeam, gazing out of the window and sipping her coffee, the voice in her head just won’t let go. So how much of a break did she really have? How much benefit did she gain from sitting there when she was feeling guilty, her inner voice chastising her for being lazy? We need to silence that inner critic, that nagging voice, and tell ourselves that we deserve to take a break and just be in the moment.
I take pretty good care of my health; I’m relatively careful about what I eat and drink. I avoid sugar and have cut way back on dairy and gluten. I tried eliminating them completely but the guilt when I broke my diet was overwhelming. I would mentally beat myself up for days then decide that since I’d already broken my diet, that I may as well totally ignore it. Bring on the cookies, the bread, or dessert. Why not? Oh, the guilt! My inner critic would run rampant and I would feel less and less, diminished, and a complete failure. I labeled myself weak willed, told myself that I obviously didn’t care about my health or myself. Guilt set me up for failure again and again.
Searching for a better way I decided to change my goal to being mostly, rather than completely, gluten, dairy and sugar-free. Mind you, I’m lucky, I’m not celiac so a little doesn’t do major damage though I can feel the effects of indulging for a day or two after. When I went out for dinner I used to feel sorry for myself, play the martyr, and deny myself the dessert that everyone else was enjoying. ‘No, I couldn’t, really.’ It just made me feel even worse. So I shifted to thinking about how long it had been since I’d had dessert or something sweet. If I have been doing a good job of resisting temptation then I will have dessert. Not only will I have dessert but I will eat in small bites, delighting in the taste sensations; no guilt, no beating myself up. Guilt is only allowed if I have dessert every night and even then I listen to my inner voice, negotiate a peaceful settlement and a way back to eating better.
What about the guilty voice in your head that isn’t even your own voice? I’m stunned to hear my mother’s voice, my father’s voice, my husband’s voice, all sorts of voices. ‘Why are you sitting there reading a book when you should be ….?’ My mother’s voice. Or is it? My mother is five thousand miles away; I’m a grown woman, a mother, and a grandmother. Why are my guilt trips in her voice? Then there’s my husband’s voice. ‘Clean up the kitchen.’ ‘Get supper started.’ Are these things that he would ever say to me? Actually no, never, not in a million years. So now I’m shifting the blame of feeling guilty onto someone else. When I look at my inner voice and the personalities it assumes it seems ridiculous, almost silly!
Examining that inner guilty voice tells us so much about ourselves and our inner belief system. Next time that voice starts up in your head, take a moment to truly listen. Is the voice rational? Does the voice belong to someone else or is it your own voice in disguise? Hold a conversation with it. Ask it ‘what is the worst thing that can happen if, instead of doing the dishes, I sit here and enjoy my coffee and the sunshine?’ Don’t you deserve to grab those peaceful moments when you can sit and just be? If you need a nap why not indulge? Your body will thank you for it. Think of it as meditation and medication. Nourish yourself, your body and soul, even pamper yourself. If you don’t, who will?
Guilt can be useful when appropriate but that nagging voice shouldn’t run your life. How can you find joy when the guilt track is always playing in the background? Put it on pause, even better, turn it off for a while. Ah, silence. That’s better. Now where is that cup of coffee, that sunbeam? How about a cat nap? Relish the moments.